Voice from the Edge

King Without A Crown

4/23/08

This morning started routine enough for me. Two cups of weak coffee, a few rounds of fetch with my landlord's Labrador, and an update on the baseball world. I got in my car to head to the gym when I received a call from my Doctor asking me to come in for a short meeting. I turned around and made a B line for the hospital. The drive was brief but I felt myself choreography the moves I was going to use on him if he did not have good news for me. Lead with the left...uppercut with the right. I walked into his office and could tell by the look in his face that it was remission. Before he even said a word he gave me a high five. He explained to me that my white blood cell count had dipped considerably into the norm and he was happy to stamp "Complete Remission" to my ever growing medical file. I gave him a fist pump and walked out the door with a crooked smile of satisfaction. I stroll out of the hospital with my head held high and and even the parking ticket under my wiper blade cannot dampen my spirits on this day. Remission is a target term by oncologists to give you the great news with the slight open window that your cancer may return. It can be a very uncertain road for cancer patients but for me it is a culmination of a hard fought war won. Who's the bitch NOW, cancer?!!?  I sat in the car and called my loved ones to tell them the news. There is a perfect blend of joy and relief in their voices. While this closes a chapter in my cancer experience, it is far from over. We will continue to test over the next couple of weeks and check my blood once a month for the next year to make sure I stay in remission. I now will start the welcomed yet tedious process of detoxifying my body from the chemo and trying to control the after effects. It is a very small price to pay considering the hurdle I just had to jump over. I will remain a proud member of the cancer community forever and wear my scars like a badge of honor. With the windows down, I find Bob Marley on my ipod. Exodus is the song of choice and I sing it loudly all the way home "... wipe away transgression, set the captives free...". See you all at happy hour! 

I ain't got time to bleed

4/18/08

I know it has been awhile since my last entry but I have entered the buzz saw that is my career right now. Here is a quick update on my health. I am feeling pretty good as the chemo seems to be running its course. We will keep testing every week with hopes of being in remission very soon. I spent yesterday in LA at Cedars Sinai hospital for a check up on my head. For those of you that don't know my situation very well, I went to Cedars Sinai to get two secondary brain tumors treated when in the first couple of years of my cancer experience. It is important to keep in contact with them for check ups for a few more years at least. Cedars Sinai is a state of the art hospital that is widely considered the best in the west. It is not a bad place to celebrity watch either. If they fall off the wagon or have a botched botox then Cedars is usually where they hide out.  My head scan was clean and my next appointment with them will be set for next year sometime. I have a blood test today and will post the results as soon as I get them. Until next time...

Come on in...the water is fine

4/7/08

I strutted into the chemo ward this morning unaware that this was going to be my last treatment for a while. We have made such progress that my team believes it is time to give me a much needed break. The chemotherapy will stay working in my body for the next few weeks and I will still be on course with the weekly testing of my blood but no long sessions in the ward. I am all smiles this morning and won't even allow the fact that my nurse keeps missing my vein over and over and over again bring me down. As she keeps missing she gets more and more nervous and I start thinking I may need safety goggles.  Anyway, I have been very fortunate to have this group of professionals in my corner. The treatment protocol has allowed me to still live my life while I fight for my life. It has been a perfect blend of treatment and rest and they seemed to match me up with my chemo cocktail extremely well. This is how they roll down here. Doc stops by for a little chat and to set up my appointment for this weeks blood test. He is very excited about the state we are in. He even manages to tell a few jokes which I give a charity laugh at then he turns his focus to the success he has been having at his Rec league softball games. He got three singles the day before. "Singles, Doc?" I said with a puzzled look. "Go big or go home" I tell him. Hitting a single in slow pitch softball is a consolation prize. There...I said it. The movie of the day is O Brother, Where Art Thou? I sat in the corner sipping my coffee and laughing out loud. Rock Chalk!

"Just follow your heart Pedro. That is what I do." Napoleon Dynamite

4/3/08

I would love a daily if not hourly update on the status of my blood work right now and seem to ask for a blood test every time I walk into the hospital. One of the nurses has informed me that this is not the "stock market" and I just need to remain patient. She is no doubt right but when you get so close to the end all you want to do is sprint towards the finish. My body has been handling the chemo very well considering. My stomach seems to be the only major side effect right now and I have had to curb some of my cravings a bit. Beer and queso no longer make the breakfast table. I even think I may need a haircut. Maybe not. The wind sometimes blows through the scraps and lifts a handful of long hairs off my scalp. Makes me look a bit like Beeker from the Muppets. Anyway, I received an email from a cancer patient last week asking me how I manage to fight everyday. I responded with " I just don't know any better." Cancer is something I have known well for eight plus years now. I have a fine focus when it comes to fighting cancer. There is no book or blue print. Just spend a day of thinking of all that you would miss if you let cancer take your life right now. For me the list is endless. For example, today my niece is acting in her school play as a fruit grocer. I imagine that she has stuck her lines and this will be her first step on the ladder to stardom. Life inspiration is everywhere and it becomes increasingly important for cancer patients to define what is significant to them and use that as the backbone of their own fight against cancer. That is what should get you out of bed on the bad mornings and that is what should push you through treatment. No one seems too chatty in treatment today so I pick a movie...Death Wish. Who in there right mind would want to piss off Charles Bronson? Until next time...

There is no crying...There is no crying in BASEBALL!

3/28/08

Just a quick update as opening day is right around the corner. My latest blood test have come back with another stride forward and a cell count around 11. The treatment protocol is working and my chance at remission could come as early as next week. I am all smiles in treatment today. I pick a chair in the middle to throw out an invitation to chat with anyone around. The gentleman sitting next to me notices the Rockies shirt I am wearing and takes off his headphones for some baseball talk. His name is Dean and he is a self proclaimed baseball historian. He has lung cancer which is a relapse from a stint 15 years before. Dean is in his late seventies and you can almost read his history just by looking at his face. He lives in Pearland, Texas with his ex wife of 22 years. "What?!?" I said making sure I heard him correctly. They divorced and still remained best friends so she moved back in 2 years later. "Why don't you just get remarried?" I said to him smiling. "I love being single" He smiled back and had me laughing out loud. Dean has an even deeper story for me. In 1950, he played Class B ball with Mickey Mantle in Joplin, Missouri. Dean was a lefty specialist that talked for an hour on how to get Mickey out. Shocking to me as the footage I have seen led me to believe that Mickey Mantle never got out. We talked about baseball past and present. It seemed like all the old time baseball players had great nicknames. The better the player the better the nickname. No wonder why everyone just called me "Chris". Damn It! We were then interrupted by his ex wife. She sat down and complained about everything from the hospital cafeteria food to the lack of parking near the entrance. Complaining to someone in the chemotherapy ward is like yelling at the clouds when it rains. I gave Dean a look of understanding and then put on my head phones to drown out the noise. Stay single Dean.

Pine tar, powder blue uniforms, and eternal optimism

3/24/08

I find myself very anxious and excited to get into treatment these days as I think remission can be right around every corner. Doc has scheduled some time with me at the beginning of treatment for my weekly blood test and a short consultation with him. Little did I know that the consultation was going to be nothing more than poking me for inside information for his fantasy baseball team. It was refreshing to talk about something other than cancer so I was more than happy to oblige. I have cousins that are doing the same thing but they only call me after they have split up the Kansas City Royals and need to fill in the blanks. George Brett retired and 1985 was a long time ago boys. It is time to take off the number 1 foam finger. My blood test results should be back within the next day and I anticipate my numbers will again be improved. I have become increasingly superstitious the past few weeks and no doubt that my baseball background is to blame. I have followed the same breakfast regiment every treatment morning with two waffles, two cups of coffee, one protein shake, one beer...wait! Scratch that. I have been doing my best to hit the gym a few times a week to try and help cycle the chemo through. It has always been important to me to make sure I am doing all I can to beat this and not rely on chemotherapy alone. I seem to fall into the majority on this type of thinking. Every time I walk through the doors of the gym I see some of the same cancer patients working out which keeps me extremely motivated to get in there. My weight loss has tapered off and my head is growing more and more fuzzy which is a good sign. I came into treatment today with the idea of finishing my taxes and that has once again been put on the back burner. I guess if I can't get them finished in time then Mexico is just a few short hours from here. Adios Muchacho!

Pionta Guiness, le do thoil

3/17/08

Eirinn go Brach! It is St. Patrick's day and I had the full intention of doing the whole entry in Gaelic until I realized how difficult that may become. My sister has suggested that I ask for green chemotherapy to celebrate the day but my nurse seems none to happy to oblige. "Spring break"  was much needed and my body feels somewhat recovered. It is a very different feeling walking into a chemo ward when you are winning. I am starting to look at the rest of my cancer experience in days not months and it feels very satisfying for everyone involved. I imagine my Mom has been raising her latte in toast at Serrano's every time I call her with good news. I learned to realize a long time ago that these little battles won help my family cope with me having cancer. I feel very prepared for this next round of treatment and can't help but look forward to hearing the words of remission from my Doctor.  No movie today just my ipod and vivid dreams of my favorite Irish drinking establishment on the eastern seaboard. I leave you with this Irish proverb  "Neither give cherries to pigs nor advice to a fool."

Fun Dip and peace of mind

3/10/08

As I know that I am on chemo spring break I wanted to update everyone on the results of last weeks tests. Friday we did a test called a bone marrow biopsy. Bone marrow produces most cellular elements in our blood and this test will help them examine the source of the blood cells to make sure nothing else is developing. It is a frequent test for blood cancer patients. The procedure starts with a local into my upper leg to numb the area. They then insert a high gauge needle until it reaches my hip bone. With a hard twisting action, they cork screw the needle into the bone until the reach the marrow then take the sample and back it out the same way. The pain is limited but the idea of it can weigh heavily. I then did our weekly blood test and was out the door on my way to work. Dealing with cancer caregivers you learn patience and realize that no news is usually good news so when I received the phone call early morning from my Doctor my heart just sank. He wanted to tell me that not only was my bone marrow test clear but we managed to dip my high white blood cell count down into the 12x per liter of blood. He was very excited to talk about the good news which meant a lot to me. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was proud of the decline in my numbers and the progress we have made. Doctors carry the same cancer burden patients do but in a very different fashion. I personally could not be happier with today's news as now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Last time my numbers dipped into the 12s I slipped into remission about a week later so I am now anticipating the weeks not months left in my conversations with cancer. I made my phone calls to my loved ones and spent the rest of the day very satisfied over a battle won. I sat outside and enjoyed some victorious Fun Dip. The greatest thing about Fun Dip ,outside of the person you are enjoying it with, is the fact that the Lik-a-Stix are also sugar. Woo Hoo! Until my next treatment...

Any man comes into chemo with a head cold spends a night in the box...

3/5/08

I broke a major rule in chemo engagement today when I showed up for treatment with a head cold. One of the many risks you face during treatment is the inability to fight off any type of bug due to a depleted immune system. I tell the nurses right away so that they can isolate me from the rest of the patients. If you ever want to get sideways with a cancer patient going through chemotherapy then just cough or sneeze while you are next to them. I imagine you will receive five across the eyes. Chemo taxes the immune system which is sadly ironic considering I believe it is my immune system that will ultimately put this thing into remission. They whisk me away to an empty room with none of the comforts of the chemo ward. No hot blankets, no movies, no view. Lesson learned. I even forgot my computer so throw no work on top of that. I did have my ipod and music is always a nice escape. I caught myself staring at the chemo drip too often today. On my best days in treatment I rarely acknowledge what is actually going on but today seemed a bit different. I had a very fine focus on the cytrabine almost to the point of verbally rooting it on as it went in to fight for me. It became a long three hours today. I walked out of there feeling more like a cancer patient than I had in years and it was oddly refreshing. Days like this help you realize how truly real this experience is and the profound effect it can have on you to the very core of your consciousness. Cancer can often weigh more mentally than physically. See what happens when you take me out of the entertainment of the chemo ward? I start sounding like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid. Wax on young grasshopper. I have a bone marrow biopsy on Friday then the following next week off for a spring break from chemo. The week off will help my body catch up and then we will start the second leg of my treatment protocol the following Tuesday. Until next time...

Meanwhile back at the Legion of Doom...

3/3/08

I awoke to clouds and the strong possibility of rain this morning. For me a hard rain usually means a day off from work and I could really use it right now. I was then joined by an unexpected guest at the table in the form of a curious roach who had climbed up there to see what I was up to. Just as I was about to ask the roach his thoughts on the possibilty of rain today...it started pouring so I smashed him with my boot. Drinking coffee with roachs...get real! I pray that he was alone or I may spend the rest of the spring in the car. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society has done a great job on getting the treatment journal updated daily. I have gotten a lot of positive feedback and seem to be popular with the Canadian cancer crowd which is very ironic. I have received emails from many people that know me well and some that only know me as a cancer patient. People seem to always ask "why you?" I always say the same thing "why not me?" Cancer does not discriminate. This disease is not personal. It affects us all in some way and treats everyone the same. It is what we do with cancer that becomes the separator. I have embraced my cancer experience as a life changing event not only for me but the people around me. Cancer has given me more than it can ever possibly take away. One of the emails I got over the weekend was from a pancreatic cancer survivor who explained how "zen like" my writing was and how the depth of my persona must come out in all facets of my life. Depth of my persona? Ha! I am a fairly simple. Some of my favorite nights after work include a few beers, queso, and falling a sleep watching the Family Guy. Cancer chose me..I did not choose cancer but it has given me the opportunity to beat it and that is what I plan on doing. My attitude was not always this way. I bought into the cancer hype during my first diagnosis when I was given a rigid time frame for survival. Everyday I thought about my own mortality. I can still remember the beginning of the end of that thought process. I was in the chemo ward in a Kansas City hospital and I sat next to a lady who was receiving treatment for breast cancer. Normally breast cancer patients and survivors are some of the toughest and most positive people you will ever meet. They are active fighters and even more active survivors. This one, however, was not. She spent the first few days in treatment updating her will. Watching her made me think so the next day I brought in a big chief tablet and a red crayon and started making out my own will. Let's see...CD collection to Allison, dog to my dad, bottle cap collection to Pate, baseball glove to my nephew, baseball bat...please bury that with me. After I was finished, I took it to a notary and he refused to stamp it. Apparently something written in crayon is not a recognized legal document in the United States?! That was and still is the wrong way to think for me. Cancer can take control of your body at times. It can also take control of your life with treatments, doctor visits, endless tests. But it can never control the way you think. So please don't feel sorry for me for matching up with cancer again. I have a lot of life left and at least I am not Britney. Snap! Oh No he didn't! Treatment went well today. No movie just a nap by the window listening to the south Texas rain and dreaming of my day off. Until next time...